How Do I Deal with an Emotionally Immature Mother?

This article answers your question, ‘How do I deal with an emotionally immature mother?’

If you were born to an emotionally immature mother, I give you my sincere condolences. It’s not easy growing up with such a mother. It’s not easy LIVING with such a mother. 

My mom got married at 17. 

She was just a child, even though she believed herself to be a mature married woman. She was naive and had no thoughts of her own, or goals of her own. She was promptly pregnant and had us kids in quick succession. 

No matter how old my mother got, her mental state was always that of an immature teenager. 

Now, I’m not making excuses for my mother. Her behaviour was unacceptable and hurts my mental health to this day. Nobody, under any circumstance, should behave in hurtful ways to their children. 

Signs of an Emotionally Immature Mother 

Throughout my childhood my mother taunted me with seemingly innocent but hurtful remarks such as, “You’ll need plastic surgery on your nose so it can look perfect,” and other similar remarks on my physical appearance. 

She wouldn’t care about my individual goals, dreams or feelings. She would care so much about what others thought, rather than my own emotional well-being. 

I’d often witness her having melt-downs, crying hysterically and also being apathic. 

Here are more signs that you have an emotionally immature mother:

• Overreacts for minor things
• Freely expresses all her feelings but expects you to be calm, obedient and quiet at all times
• Refuses to accept your individual differences
• Is petty and behaves like a child, unreasonably
• Doesn’t care about your achievements at school
• Is superstitious and believes in unscientific/outrageous things to your detriment
• Thinks she is a good mother who has no flaws
• Has no room for your problems, but always dumps her intimate problems on you
• Uncomfortable discussing your problems
• Has an “all or nothing mentality”
• Thinks that you should make her happy, care for her
• Blames you for any problems she has

How Do I Deal with an Emotionally Immature Mother?

Now back to your question – ‘how do I deal with an emotionally immature mother?’

Let me be clear, it’s not going to be easy. Especially if you live under the same roof as her. However, there are some ways that can help make life with her easier for you to manage: 

1.     Recognize that she is emotionally immature

This is the first step. 

Once you realize this, you’ll find that there’s no point trying to argue with her or tell her how you feel and how she’s hurting you. 

You’ve already seen her trying to shut you down, mock you, dismiss you or turn the tables and victimize herself instead. 

2.     Don’t try to force her to change

Instead, try protecting yourself. Engaging with her voluntarily is only going to create an environment of no peace for yourself. 

Understand that she can’t change. You can’t make a person how you want them to be, when they don’t want to be that way. 

You may think your arguments and emotional energy you spend convincing her to change will one day make her realize and turn a new leaf. Stop waiting for that day. It’s highly likely it’s never going to come. 

Try measures to protect yourself including indulging in your own life: hobbies, work, interest, friends and more. 

3.    Be emotionally detached from her 

I know the energy drain you can feel after interacting with an emotionally immature mother. You feel like you need a good number of days to recover from one single interaction. 

Especially when you get too emotionally invested by arguing back and fueling her to wound you even more. 

That’s why I advise you to practice emotional detachment. This way, you’ll no longer be their emotional victim.

4.     Move out if possible

As they say, out of sight, out of mind. When you move out, you’ll no longer be as affected by your emotionally immature mother as you were when under her roof. 

If you’re still a high school student, moving out sometimes can be a big thing to look forward to in future. Maybe you can move out when going off to college or when you start your new job and get an apartment of your own. 

5.     Learn how to reply to her 

For me, I learned the only way to reply to my mother when she’s talking to me is to pretend to agree with whatever she says. 

This way, the conversation will not be dramatic and end much quickly. 

It doesn’t mean you really agree with her, but that’s what she will think.  It keeps your sanity intact because we all know what happens when you disagree or voice your own opinion with such a parent.

Note: It was very hard for me to pretend to agree with her in conversations and I failed miserably many times because I’m a very opinionated person who doesn’t look at the world through rose-tinted glasses. But gradually, I found it was a good move to save myself from getting emotionally exhausted and energy drained each time she interacted with me.

6.    Going to therapy can help

Trauma from an emotionally immature mother can haunt you till your last days. 

It’s wise to seek counsel from a professional therapist who can help you process your emotions and give you coping techniques to help you heal. 

I hope I answered your question, “How Do I Deal with an Emotionally Immature Mother?” You can feel free to share your experiences with your mother and how you dealt with them.